I’ve relished every Mother’s Day since having my girls. The sweet homemade gifts, the flowers or gifts with help from daddy, the extra helpfulness the kids do. Nothing is different this year…except everything is different. I’m missing a child. Two in fact but one that I actually carried for a while and had a whole 5 months to fall in love with. I find myself not wanting to take a photo of myself and my children because you can’t see them all. When people ask how many children I have I freeze-not knowing how to answer. My heart races and I usually change the subject or just say I have two girls. It’s not a lie…but then I feel so guilty for not mentioning Gabriel. Or the baby we lost most recently. How is it possible to feel so thankful and blessed and yet so broken and sad all at once?
I feel like a walking contradiction. Like with each breath I might smile or I might cry…not sure which. It’s hard to look at holidays, especially one centered around mothers and children without thinking about who is missing. I sit here and stare at these beautiful little girls and I can’t fathom how blessed I am to be their momma. But then I think about the children I never got to meet. The ones born into heaven and it rips me to shreds. What I would give for one glance at my Gabriel. How is it possible for your heart to feel so full and so empty at the same time?
Yes, I know everyone has struggles and mine are not unique. We all have our stories. Some are missing their moms. Some are longing to be a mother period. Some finally have gotten their miracle and can’t believe their luck. Some have estranged relationships. Some are like me and have children but have also lost a child. I’m not going to sit here and tell people not to share their joy and complaints about their pregnancy or feel that the world owes me something and they should be overly concerned about my pain.
I went to church even though I knew I’d see all the pregnant bellies and newborns. Church is where I need to be. It’s where my soul feels at rest. Our preacher talked today about finding your place to serve. God has been impressing upon me pretty heavily that the grief and loss spectrum is where I’m needed….I just don’t know that I’m up to that challenge but I have a feeling I’m not alone in needing the support. Particularly on days like today. I refuse to live in bitterness. So even through my tears I will type congratulations many times today and the days to come to pregnancy announcements. I will smile and shed a tear with each friend I see give birth. I will try my best to remember God’s promises and that this is the valley…but He is working on my behalf.
I realize this post doesn’t have much point so I apologize for the lack of wise and comforting words. Today I just needed to talk.
Happy Mother’s Day to all out there. No matter your situation, I pray you find peace today. And for those of you who gave a child back to God…Mother’s Day is indeed still for you. You are more than worthy of this and every day.