Some days I truly wonder when is it going to end? Will it ever let up? The physical pain. The emotional toll. All of it. This is going to be one of those posts that our preacher likes to call “ugly honest.”
I admit I had this mistaken understanding about miscarriage that you just lost a baby….a very sad occurrence but I never realized what it’s really like. That it’s not just an isolated event of losing a baby. It’s losing a baby, a child, all of the tomorrows, hopes and dreams you had for that little life. It’s losing trust in your own body. It’s losing faith in “things working out.” Its physically painful and that doesn’t always stop once the miscarriage is completed. It’s wholly devastating emotionally. It wears you down.
Now, here I am-a year and some odd months later, 3 surgeries in and 2 miscarriages weighing down my heart and I find myself in the familiar position of being in near constant pain. My body isn’t responding like it should. Ultrasound is inconclusive so back to surgery we go to determine if my adhesions are back and see if there is a remote chance of becoming and sustaining a pregnancy. I’m tired. My soul is so weary. I’m exhausted from pretending to be stronger than I feel. This is not ok. I am not ok. I’m scared to do this again. I’m mad this is still happening. I feel like I have zero control over my own body. I feel like I’m letting so many people down yet I can’t muster the strength to defend myself.
Here I go again with the song lyrics but this one is weighing heavily on me today because my soul is so weary and I feel like this song speaks to that because my flesh and the enemy tells me to just give up. No one will see it. Just cry. Admit defeat. Let it go. Stop believing completely. This is how things will be…pain, fear, the whole shebang. Just accept it. It’s so tempting.
But my God…my God has promised more. He has promised to make beauty out of the ashes and I have to believe that. “Oh my soul” by Casting Crowns Give it a listen at https://youtu.be/Tn5aq54yu8A
Oh, my soul. Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you’re weary, from fearing you lost control. This was the one thing, you didn’t see coming And no one would blame you, though If you cried in private. If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows. No one will see, if you stop believing
Oh, my soul, you are not alone
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know. One more day, He will make a way. Let Him show you how, you can lay this down. Cause you’re not alone.
Here and now, You can be honest. I won’t try to promise that someday it all works out ‘Cause this is the valley And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones and there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone. This much I know.
I’m not strong enough, I can’t take anymore (You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore (You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
Can He find me here? Can He keep me from going under?
Oh, my soul. You’re not alone.